I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
