I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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