So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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