now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
