I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
