I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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