I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
