I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
