just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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