If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
