My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
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