i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
