I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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