We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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