You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize