I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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