my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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