I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
