I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
