I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I think I sprained my soul last night
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
