Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It's official drugs can't kill me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
