Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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