Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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