Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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