I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
