i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i drank out of a bidet.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She's just so happy...and so naked.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
