Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
