she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
