she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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