evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
