i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
