i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
