Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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