'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
