So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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