my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize