I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
