If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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