I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize