remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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