Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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