I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
