No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Ketchup is God's man juice
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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