How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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