Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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