I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
