we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
