Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
In America we eat man semen.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
What drink are we having for lunch?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
