It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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