OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
