Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
