Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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