You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I need a beard to bite.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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