I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I would fuck him just for his dog
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize