He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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