chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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