I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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