I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
