I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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