I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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