All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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